When Stargates Get Sick
by The Living Scratching Post
Summary: The team meets an unexpected visitor on an as of yet unnamed planet. Sheppard and McKay don't know if they can trust him, but when an old enemy makes an alliance with a new one, it's up to Shepard and his team, plus their new friend, to save Atlantis.
1. Chapter 1

Yay, my first Stargate Fan-fic! Although it is a crossover...Anyways, please Read & Review! Sorry, it's a short one. I'll try to make the next one longer, I promise!

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

Doctor Rodney McKay trotted after Lietunent Colonel John Sheppard, jabbering about how much he hated forests. Sheppard was trying to ignore his companion, humming a tune to himself.

It took him several moments to realize McKay had stopped chattering. He turned towards him, his mouth open to say something witty, but instead, what came out was, "Rodney? Where the hell are you?"

There was a groan and Rodney's voice squeaked, "Right here." There was a pause, and then: "Oh, God! Don't kill me. I didn't do anything!"

Sheppard whirled round, his machine gun out and loaded. What he was expecting to see was McKay, his back pressed against a tree, his eyes wide with fear, and a big, ugly alien, poison-tipped claws pressed against Rodney's breast. What he actually saw was Rodney, sprawled on the ground, his eyes wide with fear, and a tall man standing over him, pointing a small silver penlight at Rodney's chest, a bemused expression on his face.

Sheppard couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment. Sure, Rodney was okay if your laptop was broken, but he did get annoying sometimes, especially if you had to spend almost every day with him.

Sheppard pointed his gun at the man. "I don't know who the hell you are, but if you hurt him, I will shoot."

The stranger raised his hands and took a step away from Rodney. "Sorry, sorry, so sorry!" he mumbled.

Rodney glared at him. "You tripped me!"

The stranger kicked him. "And you have an annoying voice. I think we're even." The man turned to Sheppard. "Er…you're not from here, are you? If you know what I mean…"

Sheppard shook his head, not daring to lower his weapon. "We're just travelers. Well, _explorers_, more like."

The man nodded knowingly. "Aaah. So you wouldn't mind if I…" He knelt down beside McKay and, with a faint buzzing, moved the penlight back and forth over Rodney's leg.

Sheppard eyed it suspiciously. "Is that some sort of scanner thing?"

"Mmm-hmm," the man grunted. He got his feet. "He's got a sprained hip and a bruised ankle."

Sheppard stared at him. "Are you some sort of doctor?"

He only shrugged. "I guess."


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Stephanie, called Stodgy.

I used your suggestion, Acer.

READ AND REVIEW, PEEPS!

And, yes, I noticed how similiar the TARDIS sounds like a tornado while we were watching a documentary about tornadoes.

* * *

CHAPTER TWO 

"OW! OW! OW!" McKay screamed as Sheppard heaved his injured companion back to the Stargate.

"Oh, shut up," John grunted.

"Well, I can't help it if my whole damn leg feels like crap, now can I?" Rodney whined.

"Well, could you at least be a little quieter about it?" Sheppard groaned.

"Well, it really—OW!—hurts!"

Sheppard heard someone humming "You are My Sunshine" from behind him. He turned and saw the stranger following them, his hands clasped behind his back, a thoughtful expression on his face. He grinned at Sheppard when he noticed John looking at him.

The trio finally reached the Stargate, where a slim red-haired woman and a tough-looking black-haired man were waiting.

"Finally. What took you so long?" Ronin growled impatiently.

"He tripped me!" Rodney whined.

"Who—John?" Teyla smiled.

"No. Him!" Rodney pointed at the stranger.

The man stepped out casually from behind John and Rodney and toward the Stargate. Ronin pointed a big gun at the man's chest. He halted, eyeing the gun warily. "Take one step closer and I shoot!"

The man glanced up at Ronin's face, a wry smile on his face. He glanced back at McKay. "Have you noticed how people's intellectual curiosity declines the instant they begin waving guns about?" He shot an oblique glance at John.

Ronin raised his eyebrows at him. "And your point is?"

"None of you has asked what my name is, where I come from, if I'm staying, et cetera," the man replied with a shrug.

"Well, then, tell us the answers to those questions!" Ronin grumbled.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor. I come from Gallifrey. Yes, I'm coming with you, but I have something to do first." With that, the Doctor dashed past Ronin before Ronin could reply.

"Gallifrey? What's Gallifrey?" Rodney asked. The others only shrugged.

There was a sound like a tornado and a blue box appeared behind John and Rodney. "What's that?" Teyla gasped and pointed.

John and Rodney turned in time to see the Doctor emerge from the blue box.

"Uh…" For the first time in his life Rodney was speechless.

The Doctor glanced at the blue box. "I can explain…"


	3. Chapter 3

So that is the correct spelling? I thought it was an _i_, not an _o_. Ah well. Sheppard will mention the Doctor's humming in the next chapter. Anyways, READ AND REVIEW! Your opinions are appreciated. Suggestions would be nice. 

* * *

Chapter 3

"Well, then, EXPLAIN!" Ronon roared, shaking his gun in the Doctor's face.

"Well, then, get that thing out of my face," the Doctor said coolly.

Obviously, this man was stupid, or maybe he didn't think Ronon would actually shoot him, John thought.

Meanwhile, the Doctor was chattering about his blue box. "This here's my ship. She's a TARDIS, which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. She's in the form of a police box because the chameleon circuit got stuck when I was in London in the 1960s and she got stuck in the form of a police box. She's the last--"

"That's a ship?" Ronon interjected, gesturing at the TARDIS with his gun. John was sort of glad he'd interrupted the Doctor. My, but he could babble. Probably could beat Rodney in a babble contest, thumbs down.

"She's a ship. She's a very special ship, my TARDIS." Here the Doctor paused and lovingly caressed the TARDIS door.

John's arm was begin to ache. Rodney was leaning very heavily on his arm. "If you're coming with us, then get ready to walk through the gate as soon as I dial the gate," John told the Doctor before he could say anything else about his ship.

The Doctor stared at him, his hand still on the TARDIS. "What about the TARDIS?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"Well, why don't you fly her through the gate?" John replied tersely as he tried to haul Rodney over to the DHD. John's back was to the Doctor, but he could feel his inquisitive gaze on his back. John dialed the gate, expecting to hear the rush that signified the Stargate opening.

It never came.

"What the hell?" John dialed again. Still no response.

"All right, guess we'll have to use the TARDIS," the Doctor announced cheerfully and turned back to his blue box.

"There's five of us." Ronon sounded exasperated, like he was trying to explain something to an idiot.

The Doctor glanced at him. "So?"

"That thing is small. A maximum of two could fit in there, although they would be very squished," Teyla replied in an emotionless tone.

The Doctor grinned and shook his head, as if he were talking to four witless children. "Well, then, why don't you and me go in?" He extricted a small key from one of his pockets and unlocked the TARDIS door. He grabbed Teyla's arm and pushed her in front of him. "Ladies first."

The Doctor opened the door. Teyla stepped in. Rodney, John, and Ronon all heard her gasp of wonder and amazement.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry about the long delay, but don't you think it was worth it? It's a long one. Some swearing, so you know, cover your kids' eyes or whatever.

Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas!

* * *

CHAPTER FOUR

Ronon, Rodney, and John cautiously followed Teyla in. There was a thud. John and Ronon glanced down. "Well, there goes Rodney," Sheppard remarked.  
"Look at it! Just look at it!" That was Teyla. She was standing by the mushroom shaped thing in the centre of the room, while the Doctor was running around flipping switches, pressing buttons, pulling levers, turning knobs, and other energetic-looking things.  
Shepherd blinked, shook his head as if to clear it, and opened his eyes again. "Hold on, wait a second," he murmured and ran for the door, nearly tripping over McKay's prone form in the process. Behind him, the Doctor straightened up and rolled his eyes at Sheppard.

John stepped out of the TARDIS and looked around. "No, no, no," he muttered to himself. He reached out a hand to touch it. Wood, it was made of wood and peeling blue paint! He walked around it. Maybe it was bigger than it looked from the front...No, it was as big as one of those red phone boxes they have in movies set in London. "How...?" he murmured.  
"The explanation is really rather complicated, and you don't look like the scientific type." John turned and saw the Doctor in the doorway of the TARDIS. "But it's...it's bigger on the inside! That's...that's impossible!" The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Gee, all this time, I hadn't noticed," he replied drily, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "C'mon, back in the TARDIS with you. Allons-y!" the Doctor said, clapping his hands together and stepping aside. Sheppard reentered the TARDIS and the Doctor closed the doors behind him.  
"So, where you lot from?" the Doctor inquired, picking up a mallet. "It's bigger on the inside!" Ronon exclaimed. The Doctor rolled his eyes and muttered, "Not again," under his breath.  
Fortunatly for him, John Sheppard saved him the trouble of explaining. "Apparently the explanation is really rather complicated and you're not McKay."  
Sheppard could have sworn he heard the Doctor mutter, "Thank you," under his breath.  
McKay came to and said, "Was someone talking to me?"  
The Doctor grinned in his direction and went back to what he had been previously doing, this time whistling "You Are My Sunshine." Suddenly he paused, one foot raised in a position similar to a ballerina's pirouette. "I forgot to ask. Where you lot from?"  
His question was greeted with an uneasy silence. Could they trust him? They barely knew him and he had technology that rivaled that of the Ancients. They could unwittingly invite an enemy worse than the Wraith and the Replicators put together into Atlantis.  
The Doctor's gaze traveled over each of their faces in turn. Teyla met his gaze and was surprised at what she saw there. His eyes belied his young face; they were the eyes of an old, wise man who has seen much death, war, and destruction. Sad, lonely eyes. Almost as if he could feel her reading him, the Doctor shook his head and turned away from her. Sheppard measured the Doctor up. Maybe he could trust him, maybe he couldn't. He knew so little about this strange man and his strange box, although..."Hey, that song you were singing!" he suddenly burst out.  
The Doctor turned to him, his eyebrows raised. "What?"  
"'You Are My Sunshine.' You were whistling it just now. That's a song from Earth!" Sheppard exclaimed almost breathlessly.  
"I was watching TV on the scanner and some chap was singing it and I thought it was catchy," the Doctor replied almost tonelessly. "Obviously both of us have been to Earth."  
"You've been to Earth lately?" McKay squeaked. The Doctor nodded. "But how?"  
"Where do you lot want to go?" the Doctor inquired, one hand hovering over the controls, deliberately ignoring Rodney.  
John made a decision then and there. "Atlantis."  
The Doctor entered the coordinates and there was a sharp jerk as the TARDIS took off. John, Ronon, and Teyla were thrown off their feet, Rodney slid against the TARDIS doors with a yelp, and the Doctor remained upright, looking down at them with an amused glint in his eyes.

"Security team to the Gate Room, security team to the Gate Room!" The summons resounded throughout the Atlantis base as Colonel Samantha Carter made her to the Gate Room.  
"What is it?" she inquired of Dr Radik Zelenka.  
"Look," the Czechoslovakian said, pointing in the direction of the Stargate. She looked and saw a blue box appearing right in front of the 'Gate, surrounded by armed guards. "What the--"  
When it had completely solidified, the doors on the front burst open and Sheppard's team staggered out green-faced, supporting Rodney between them, followed by a strange man in a trenchcoat.  
"Med team to the Gate Room!" Carter yelled when she saw Rodney's leg twisted at an abnormal angle.

As the requested med team carried Rodney off to the Infirmary on a stretcher, Carter turned to the rest of Sheppard's team, who had recovered since they had exited the blue box, and the newcomer, who was gazing about with the air of a tourist in an art museum.  
"Welcome to Atlantis. I am Colonel Samantha Carter," she said, extending her hand. The man grinned and shook it cordially. "Thank you, Colonel Samantha Carter. I'm the Doctor," the man said in a British accent. "Nice Embarkation Room you've got here," he added, glancing around one last time. "We prefer to call it the Gate Room," Carter replied.  
The Doctor shrugged and rolled his eyes. "Embarkation Room sounds cooler," he muttered. "So, you going to give me the grand tour of the place or not?" he asked in a louder voice. Carter glanced at Sheppard, who nodded. She turned back to the Doctor. "Yes, of course. This way, if you will, Doctor--ah, what was it?"  
He grinned. "Just the Doctor, if you please. Just the Doctor."

The Doctor eyed the armed guards on either side of him. "Ah, Colonel, are you sure that's necessary?" he inquired.  
"Just a precaution. First stop is the infirmary, by the way," she replied. "Do I look dangerous to you?" the Doctor whispered to the nearest guard as he followed Carter into the infirmary. The guard stared at him for a second, uncertain, then shrugged her shoulders. "Meh. I used to look a whole lot more intimidating, I'll have you know."  
A young woman with reddish brown hair came up to them and told Colonel Carter, "Dr McKay has a sprained hip, a bruised ankle and a broken tibia, but he'll live."  
"Good," Colonel Carter replied.  
"And you must be the Doctor," the woman said to the Doctor, who nodded, smiling. "I'm Dr Jennifer Keller. I'm Atlantis' chief medical officer." She held out her hand and the Doctor shook it.  
"I bet you're very good at what you do, Dr Keller. It's a pleasure to meet you."  
"Why, thank you, Doctor. It's a pleasure to meet you, too."  
Sheppard interrupted their exchange. "How's McKay?"  
"He's fine. He's sleeping right now, so I'm afraid you can't see him right now. You can visit him later if you like, though," Keller replied. She turned back to the Doctor. "So, Doctor, what about you?"  
"What?" the Doctor replied, puzzled.  
"Are you the head medical officer of anywhere?" Keller clarified.  
He shook his head. "Nope, sorry. Never was. I'm not a doctor of medicine. I'm a doctor of...well, you could say, just about everything, I suppose."  
"Oh. Okay." She paused. "Are you married?"  
"I was, but not anymore," he replied.  
"Do you have a girlfriend or anything?"  
"A boyfriend." He said it very seriously and honestly and straight-faced. Keller's and Teyla's eyes widened, Sheppard rolled his eyes, Carter sighed, Ronon frowned, one of the guards tittered. The Doctor grinned. "Ah, I was just kidding. April Fools, everybody. Actually, there isn't anyone. There used to be, but not anymore."  
"Anyways," Sheppard said before Keller could reply. "Why don't we move along? Good-bye, Dr Keller. See you later."  
The group left and headed towards the hangar.

"So, Doctor, where you from?" Carter asked the Doctor.  
He frowned at her question. "Very far away. You've probably never heard of my homeworld."  
"You could us there in your...ship, couldn't you?" The Doctor shook his head. "Why not?"  
"It's gone. My people are gone. Everything's gone," he replied sadly.  
"The Wraith?" Ronon asked.  
"The Wraith? Hell, no. The Wraith were terrified of my people. They'd never dare to attack us," the Doctor said, grinning to himself. "Very smart of them, too," he added almost as an afterthought.  
Carter frowned at this and whispered something to Sheppard, who shrugged his shoulders.  
"So, was it the Replicators?" Ronon pressed.  
"Nope," the Doctor negated, popping the "p". "They never stood a chance. My people wiped them out long before I was born."  
Teyla narrowed her eyes. "Your people wiped out the Replicators?" she asked.  
"Ages ago. So long ago that you lot shouldn't even know about them. How the hell do you lot know about Replicators?"  
"Because apparently they survived," Sheppard answered.  
"Aw, damn them. Blasted things so damn hard to kill."  
"Was it the Goa'uld?" one of the gaurds asked.  
"What is this--twenty questions? No, it wasn't the Goa'uld. They didn't even know we existed. And a good thing too. If they had somehow managed to steal any of our technology, the whole universe would be doomed. No one would be safe."  
"What about the Ori?" Carter asked him.  
The Doctor chuckled. "What, those puffed-up gasbags with sticks? Ha, I bet _I _could take on all of them all by myself and win."  
"OK, so tell us. Who blew up your planet?" Sheppard asked.  
The Doctor didn't answer.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry about the delay. But hey...Rose is coming back!

* * *

CHAPTER FIVE

The Doctor descended into a morose silence for the rest of the tour, until they reached the control room, where he perked up almost instantly. "Ah, that's _beautiful_, that is!" he exclaimed, a pair of black-rimmed glasses materializing on the bridge of his nose (or, at least, so it seemed to Shepard; he looked away and when he looked back, there they were), as he peered intently at the deep-space scanner screen, which was currently dark. "Wide screen TV, eh?" He whipped out a thin, pen-like device and pointed it at the screen. With a quiet crackle, it flickered back to life.

"He fixed it!" Radik Zelenka exclaimed.

"It shouldn't have needed fixing in the first place," John snapped.

"It turned off shortly before you returned, and we haven't been able to turn it back on since," Zelenka replied.

"Well, well, well. What have we here? Somebody playing _Space Invaders_?"

They all turned to look at the Doctor. "I beg your pardon?" inquired Teyla.

"Lots of spaceships. Don't like the look of them," he replied. "Looks like an armada."

"Oh, crap."

None of the others added to Shepard's exclamation. "Oh, crap" just about summed up the situation.

Commodore Valnark twirled his scarlet cape impatiently. He did not like working with a member inferior species, but Sycoraxic High Command had ordered him to command this mission, so he had to do it. Besides, there might even be a promotion in the bargain.

"_Is it done_?" he hissed irritably at the Human in Sycoraxic, which was translated into English via a translator.

The Human nodded. "It is done."

Valnark grinned cruelly. "_Good. Now we advance."_ He pressed a button on the console in front of which the Human was sitting. "_Commence Phase Two!_" he ordered.

The other ships in his armada formed a v-shape behind Valnark's ship, the flagship, and descended upon the planet beneath them.

Valnark glanced at the Human and a cold shudder ran down the Sycorax's spine when he saw his cold, cruel smile, made all the more unnerving by his mismatched eyes. Those eyes had always unnerved Commodore Valnark, and nothing unnerved Commodore Valnark.

The Human was smiling because he was at last getting his revenge upon the Lantians

"Looks like Rodney's flock has come to take him South for the winter," Shepard remarked drily.

When everybody else laughed, the Doctor felt quite left out. "Er, what's so funny?" he inquired bashfully, whipping off his glasses.

"Rodney's Canadian," someone explained.

"I still don't get it," the Doctor grumbled.

"On Earth, Canadian geese migrate south for the winter," someone else explained.

"I know _that_, but what the bloody hell do geese have to do with the fact that there is a flippin' armada coming to wipe us off the face of the universe?" the Doctor snapped.

"They're in a v formation," Shepard explained.

"Oh," the Doctor realised, but didn't laugh. Jokes aren't funny when they have to be explained. "Do you have a communications system?"

"Why?" Carter inquired dubiously.

"I'd like to hail the geese," the Doctor replied.

"Now that's taking it too far," Shepard warned.

The Doctor glared at him, then turned back to Carter. "Well? Do you?"

Carter glanced at Zelenka, Zelenka pointed helplessly at the DHD. "The Stargate stopped working at the same time as the deep space scanner."

"Figures," the Doctor muttered under his breath. He added, a bit louder, "Do you have any other means of communicating?"

Ronan tossed him his walkie talkie. "There's this."

The Doctor caught it deftly, whipped on his glasses, sat himself down in a swivel chair, propped his sneaker clad feet on the DHD, and started buzzing the walkie talkie with his pen-like device, which was apparently, not a pen.

After about 30 seconds of this, people started to get bored and wander off to do their own business. After five minutes, the only people in the control room, apart from the Doctor, were Shepard, Carter, Teyla, Ronan, and Zelenka.

Finally, the Doctor looked up triumphantly. "I did--Where'd everyone go?"

"They got bored," Shepard replied drily.

The Doctor frowned. "Oh." He glanced down at the walkie talkie in his hands. "Well, let's give this a go, eh?" With one long finger, he deftly pressed the "Talk" button. "_Hola, amigos_!" he called cheerfully into the speaker.

"Who is this?" the walkie talkie crackled angrily in reply.

"What the hell?" Ronan gasped. Carter shushed him.

"_Soy el Médico_," the Doctor answered, more cheerfully.

"Who is this?" the walkie talkie repeated, more angrily.

"Ah, _not _the Spanish Armada," the Doctor hissed to his bystanders. To the walkie talkie, he said, "_Je suis le Docteur_. _Et vous? Qui êtes-vous_?"

"Are you the chieftain of this planet?" the voice on the other end of the walkie talkie hissed.

"_Non. Est-ce que vous voulez parler à Colonel Samantha Carter_?" the Doctor replied tritely.

A second voice, rough and coarse like the first voice albeit higher in pitch, inquired of the first voice, "Should we turn on the translator, sir?"

The first voice growled in reply, "It is on, Ensign!"

The second voice nervously squeaked, "Ah, so it is, sir."

The Doctor grinned mischieviously and, in a German accent, barked, "_Bist Sie Deutsch_?"

"We wish to speak to the tribal chieftain of this planet!" the first voice snapped, absolutely livid.

"Stop repeating yourself, old chap. And don't yell; _terrible_ for the complexion, doncha know," the Doctor chirped. "If you want, I could put Colonel Carter on the line, but you have to say please."

A whispered converstation commenced then on the other end of the walkie talkie. At last, the first voice spoke. "We want to speak to Dr. Elizabeth Weir."

"Who?"

"Unfortunately, she's dead," Carter replied, standing over the Doctor's shoulder, "so you'll have to talk to me."

"Were you aware of this?" hissed the first voice to someone on his ship.

"No, Commodore. I did not intend to lie to you, but as I told you, it has been over a year since I was last in contact with Atlantis," a third voice said, this one very unlike the first two voices. A voice that Teyla, Shepard, and Zelenka recognised with horror.

"Damn. I was really hoping we'd gotten rid of that bastard for good," Shepard murmured, his face white.

The Doctor fixed his dark eyes on him. "Who?" he whispered.

"That voice--" Zelenka began.

"Didn't belong to a Sycorax, that's for sure. Why are you so freaked?" the Doctor hissed.

"We know that voice," Teyla replied.

"How? You know who that was?"

"Yes," she replied, "Lieutenant Aidan Ford."


End file.
